One of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott is fond of saying, “Laughter is carbonated holiness”. I first encountered it in her blog about the tragic death of Robin Williams this week. She finishes that thought by saying; Robin was the ultimate proof of that; bubbles are spirit made visible.” (Blog 8.12.14) From “Mork and Mindy” (I grew up on Nanu, Nanu) to Good Morning Vietnam and Mrs. Doubtfire, to the over the top genie in Aladdin, Robin Williams created a great deal of carbonated holiness. He infused our life with laughter and joy, lifted our spirits and touched our hearts. Yet he was also a very troubled soul. The comedic genius suffered from great depression, as most of us reveled in his wit. I think this is part of what is so troubling about this tragic suicide. How could he create such laughter while being in such pain? Several people have shared their pain about this loss and the ways it has touched their own losses. Some have their own experience with mental illness in their family while another person had lost a friend to suicide and so this national mourning triggered her own recent grief. In the same blog, Anne Lamott writes, “Here is what is true: a third of the people you adore and admire in the world and in your families have severe mental illness and/or addiction.” She then admits she has both mental illness and addiction and that we still love her, and she still loves those in her life. I certainly don’t feel like one in every three people I meet is suffering. So this takes me to the idea of disconnect. What is happening inside another person may not be what they show to the outside world.
While on vacation I took a class on relationships that highlighted how we often use defenses to keep people at a distance. We looked at fear, intellectualizing, playing the victim, confusion, addictions, need for control and anger. I want to claim my anger more in my life, because I realized I deny even feeling anger which is also another way of keeping distance. Of course humor is also a defense, one that is made all too clear with the loss of Mr. Williams. He used the defense of humor to keep the world from seeing the depression and pain he was feeling.
Do you ever feel like there is a disconnect in your life? So that what you show on the outside does not match what is really happening on the inside? Do you hide your true self because you think, “If you truly knew me you would not like me?” Do you hide behind defenses to keep people at a distance? Certainly this would be subconscious, but it can still have very real consequences. Maybe it is the old tapes from your childhood saying what you think you should be, trying to show the world what you think is safe to show. You might have this imaginary yard stick against which you are always measuring yourself, but somehow you never quite measure up.
In Romans, Paul is writing to the Jewish community who are still holding themselves to the strict standard of the law. Talk about needing to measure up….. They had to keep 613 laws! They continued to judge themselves by what Moses had taught because that was how they defined themselves. Jesus came to abolish one’s dependence upon the law because Jesus had fulfilled the law. His life, death and resurrection freed the Jews from judging themselves by the “musts” and “shoulds” of their tradition. How hard it is to change the tapes playing in our heads, the ones that say we did that well, or we failed miserably. These same voices judge who we are, what we do, and always keep a tally. Jesus came to free us from our harsh self-judgments. God’s grace, abundance and love motivate right living, without having the pain of never living up to an unrealistic standard.
In our gospel lesson Peter does an amazing thing because he lives in what is possible rather than limitations. Of course the ability to walk on water comes from Jesus, but think about how many voices he had to turn off in is head to even think about stepping out of the boat. He did not get stuck in intellectualizing about density and buoyancy determining: he will sink. Rather he acted on faith; he tried a new behavior and was completely surprised!!! Peter walked on water, at least figuratively, because he focused on Jesus, had faith and quieted his defenses and judgments. He didn’t listen to the “I can’t” “I’ll sink” voices, but instead trusted in Jesus’ love and guidance to do something beyond belief. Only when he noticed the strong winds and lived in his fear did he sink. That would be his defenses cutting him off from what is possible in faith.
So you might be wondering, “How can I be more connected to myself?” How can I stop being defended and live in faith. I think Jesus gives us a clue. Before he meets the disciples in the storm, out on the sea, he takes time to pray, to listen to his own thoughts and feelings and then shares those with God. God helps to unify you. Prayer lessens your defenses, helps your outsides match your insides, and heals your soul. Prayer and meditation help to minimize the disconnect; help you to feel present and grounded. I am trying a 21 day online meditation right now created by Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra aiming to simply be more present so I can lessen the internal chatter and judgments and instead draw closer to God.
When the disciples are scared, lost in the storm, and fearing Jesus is a ghost Jesus says, “Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid.” “Take heart” to me sounds like trust yourself, listen to yourself, tune in to what your true self is saying. “Do not be afraid,” one of Jesus’ favorite sayings, reminds us to not live in fear because Jesus is with us. We all know how debilitating fear can be, but through faith we can live a much less fearful life. It is the middle part when Jesus says, “It is I” that brings it home. On the surface Jesus is simply sharing his identity with his fearful disciples. I know I would feel much better if I was in a storm and then Jesus was with me. That is why we pray to invite Jesus into the storms of our lives. “It is I” also implies that Jesus has not disconnected- he is who he is. What you see is what you get with Jesus. He is not defended, he is not living a double life, he is present and available to the people in his life. Jesus models for us what life can be like when we live centered and grounded rather than defended and fearful. He says “It is I.”
Even as powerful as that statement is, in the Greek, it gets even better. Jesus is using the exact same words that God used in the Septuagint (the Greek translation of the Old
Testament) to tell Moses his name. You remember the story- Moses did not think the Pharaoh would believe that the Lord had sent him so he asked God for his name and God said, “ego imeé” “It is I.” This reassuring statement Jesus said in the middle of the storm is exactly the same as God giving us the name, “I AM WHO I AM, I WILL BE WHO I WILL BE!!!” Jesus and God are one, Jesus’ identity comes from God, full of possibilities and hope. We get to claim who we are in our fullness; our hurts, our defenses, our judgments and our hope and bring them all into ego eimi.
For Moses knowing God’s name helped convince the Pharaoh to free the slaves.
For the Jews they did not need the law because God is right there with them in Jesus.
For the disciples, Jesus saying, “It is I,” reassured them in the storm.
For you and me, Jesus saying “It is I” means we too can live a life without disconnect. We can live integrated and full, because Jesus is integrated and whole. We no longer need to hide behind defenses, only showing the parts of ourselves we think people will like, we can be authentic and whole people.
During the week I hope you can live so that your insides match your outsides saying to yourself, the world and God, “It is I.”
